from the department of obviousness department

i am glad i have never bothered to figure out wine, since apperently ratings are almost totally subjective. anyone even remotely familiar with human nature should be unsurprised by the following phenomenon:

[the experiments] were done by frederic brochet, of the university of bordeaux. in the first test, brochet invited 57 wine experts and asked them to give their impressions of what looked like two glasses of red and white wine. the wines were actually the same white wine, one of which had been tinted red with food coloring. but that didn't stop the experts from describing the "red" wine in language typically used to describe red wines. one expert praised its "jamminess," while another enjoyed its "crushed red fruit." not a single one noticed it was actually a white wine.

the second test brochet conducted was even more damning. he took a middling bordeaux and served it in two different bottles. one bottle was a fancy grand-cru. the other bottle was an ordinary vin du table. despite the fact that they were actually being served the exact same wine, the experts gave the differently labeled bottles nearly opposite ratings. the grand cru was "agreeable, woody, complex, balanced and rounded," while the vin du table was "weak, short, light, flat and faulty". forty experts said the wine with the fancy label was worth drinking, while only 12 said the cheap wine was.

this was really just an excuse to mention that i know someone who mixes $4 red wine with diet mountain dew. i guess she is on to something. you recoil in horror now, but if we gave it to you out of a fancy bottle in some oak-paneled room you would probably commend its fruity palate and "almost fizzy" texture.

phase airspace

the department of homeland security has prohibited one of the three states of matter on planes.* we can all rest easier with this color coded phase diagram breaking down the risks involved. thank you cosmic variance!

on the other hand, these varying amounts of alertness will probably make lunch kind of tricky.

*would they be alright with you freezing a big block of gatorade and bringing that with you along with some cups? can you eat powdered hot chocolate out of those bags? what is the attitude toward aerosol products--liquid in the cannister, gas when sprayed? or those sponge toys that get bigger when you put them in water, can you bring the "enlarged" version with you? these questions are vital to our american security. these and "when can expect to get slathered in flame retardant foam and strapped into those hannibal lector carts for all flights?"

washed up losers

i have not felt this way about the red sox since you know when.

most people, i believe, have forgotten what it was like down 0 and 3 two years ago. everyone forsook them. many people, in the warm afterglow of the world series claim that they were secretly with them the whole time, but those people are lying. the naive eternal optimism of "we'll get 'em next time"/"sure, pedro can just pitch on 2 days rest..."/"if they just manage to sweep the yankees twice in september..." attitude which had always defined red sox fans was washed away for that day or so. it was unprecedented. for the first time in the modern era the entire fanbase lost hope, but unlike in those prior instances the players, who were usually far more ambivalent, did not. to me it was this momentary inversion of the fan-to-team dynamic that made their world series win so staggering. more than the odds against a comeback or the revenge angle, it was the fact that they first got to the point where probably the most loyal and stupidly optimistic fans in baseball thought they were finished and hated them. of course, it was only a day or so before mr. ortiz talked us down from that ledge, but the point is that is was a pretty hairy 24-48 hours. most people won't admit it, but i didn't even watch the first half of game 4, and what now seems mind-boggling in retrospect struck me at the time as prolonging the inevitable. i didn't watch the first part of game 5 either--i spent those innings being made fun of in the dining hall (if your girlfriend says she'll dye her hair red..."when the red sox win the world series!" causing a tablefull of people to burst into riotous laughter at your expense...and 9 days later they do, and she doesn't do it, you should get a medal for not having a mental breakdown).

but i digress. the point is that i am officially losing hope in the 2006 red sox. a similar tactic was effective in 2004 (and to a lesser extent in 1999 and 2003). this is your signal to start winning, guys--i mean, lousy bums. wink.

universe at 380,000 yrs (not actual size)

this is the cosmic microwave background presented in the best known way of conveying scientific information: printed on a beach ball. talk about an inflationary universe! (i'm so sorry.) anyway, if more results were presented through this medium, no one would ever again have trouble getting funding.

a few years ago wmap secretly distributed them to cosmologists. needless to say, the early universe printed on a inflatable ball is something that i have decided i must have. For some reason, despite not being for sale, the ball seems to have its own web site. as consolation there is a whole page of other merchandise bearing the cmb pattern (those greedy cosmologists!), but mugs and boxer shorts don't have quite the same appeal. i pledge now to the internet, ultimate keeper of pledges made to no one in particular, that i will acquire this ball. i am not sure how yet, but i swear to do whatever it takes--breaking into someone's office, posing as an elementary school, sending threatening letters to beach ball manufacturers. whatever.

Update: Mission accomplished.

open letter

dear al gore,

you have placed a lot of emphasis on the 0th and 1st laws of thermodynamics.* now is the time to begin raising awareness about the 2nd: keeping entropy low. at least CO2 can be reabsorbed, entropy only goes up! what would our lives be like if the entropy became too high to find your car keys or pair socks correctly? do you really want to live in a world where our great-grandchildren have to eat the peas all mixed in with the mashed potatoes? (eww, gross). fortunately, there are steps we can take to keep entropy low. they range from avoiding temperature changes, to reducing the number of choices people are allowed, to rolling up the bottom of the toothpaste. every little bit helps. please spend several minutes talking about this in your slide lectures. i can make you a graph.

yours truly,
concerned citizen

* ice caps melting. conservation of energy.

mare humorum

trouvelot drawings of astronomical objects via bibliodyssey. they remind me more of the impressionistic sketches you would find in a faded 1970's astronomy children's book than rather good depictions of the mid-nineteenth century. but of course, my palate is unrefined.

hollandaise

if i ever wrote a tourist guide to the netherlands i would title it "going dutch!"

fiasco of july

some people make new years resolutions, i make 4th of july resolutions. this year i resolved to get some decent photos of "the country's oldest 4th of july parade"--something my town of bristol, ri, takes an immodest amount of pride in.

the weirdos never miss a chance to come out in full force. just walking down the parade route before everything starts is an feast of people-watching. going into town you walk through a number of different phases. first there is the area of the people who show up late and didn't get good seats. then there are the houses who have set up those portable bleacher seats and invite a hundred people to their house. then, my favorite, the motorcycle/trailor people--they claim the 1/8th mile region of parking lots on the way into town. and if we are very lucky, set up inflatable pools on the sidewalk, perfect for drinking in public if you are an easily-amused overweight middle-aged guy with no sense of decency. despite the popular theory that they choose this area for the high concentration of portable restrooms, i get the impression that the pool folks aren't taking advantage of them.

from thereon the crowds get ritzier and therefore less interesting. the one thing they have going for them is that their behavior in previous years has caused bristol to pass ordinances prohibiting anyone from setting up chairs or blankets before 5 am. 5 am! the parade route is lousy with signs explaining this and the police enforce the rule with an iron fist. more important though is the obvious implication of this: a certain type of person will be there at 5:01. you can spot them yawning and lying down to "rest their eyes" in the early afternoon. my friend's mother was one such individual and awoke us rudely at 4:55 one year for the task--something for which i have never forgiven her.

unlike years past the sky neither unleashed gallons of rain nor cooked us from above and i got some decent shots.


one of the many aforementioned signs. the day before the parade.




it feels good to be on the right side of the civil war.


morning of the 4th. some tractors along the way.




ooo, look at my sensitive artistic perspective. what a keen eye i have.


longview of the bovine herd. note the red-white-and-blue center line. there are signs next to the road indicating that the line divides "two-way traffic" anyone who couldn't have figured that out on their own shouldn't be allowed to drive.


a strange sight. tribute to lafayette et al. perhaps?


this fellow doesn't seem very happy about my picture-taking. too bad, guy, this is america.


yours truly wishing i was a you-know-what.


guess who was up at 5:01?


here's a judgement for you: you're not as clever as you think you are.


i should have just set staked-out this guy's house all day.


members of an umbrella-based cult.


this man is a hero.


the boat people.


en garde!


"finally, a chance to wear my tricorner hat in public!"


a sad, tired, man.


every year one of the last floats is the rocky horror group. i have no idea why they are in the parade. after 2 hours of applauding firemen, marching bands, miss rhode islands, and aged war veterans the crowd isn't quite sure what to do with a flatbed full of scantily-clad weirdos.


there is no question on whether or not to applaud a cup like this.




the remains of the day in balloon and non-balloon form.

amusing miscellany

-last week i spotted a guy in a wife-beater and yankee cap jogging down my street in the early morning....with a poodle that couldn't have been more than 8 inches tall.

-yesterday i thought i would try working in the cfa library so i went across the street, to where all the big-shot astronomers (except for me) have their offices. to get in you swipe your card, which i was told will give me access to this and anything else along the same lines. rejected. i think this is the worst rejection you can experience in life--rejection by a library. it reminded me of the seinfeld routine about how the library is like that unpopular kid who tries to loan out his toys to make friends: "...do you want to borrow it? it'll only cost you a nickel." not being able to gain access to a place i barely wanted to be in the first place is like being told by that kid that he has other plans and no, in fact, he will not be coming out to play.

-i cannot emphasize this enough: i am a technically federal employee. the american public is shelling out tax dollars for me to attempt to gain access to libraries that don't want me there. i also have permission to read all sorts of classified government documents, and take it from me, we are just in Iraq for the figs. oops, i've said too much.

-bob wilson, nobel prize-winning co-discoverer of the cosmic microwave background, has an office down the hall from me. since my thesis was on the microwave background's loser cousin, the neutrino background, (undiscovered), so i am completely awe-struck in this completely nerdy way. this was basically one of the first guys to make cosmology an observational science--his picture is in every astronomy text-book (run a google image search for "penzias and wilson" and tell me that that those arn't some wonderful photos).

-at a cafe last week i overheard some lady at table next to me bragging about herself for about 15 minutes. as i got up to leave she began describing some summer day-camp she invented: "it is just what kids today need. it is 2 weeks of thinking outside the box and getting out of their comfort zones." "every morning would start with 15 minutes of listening to loud, exciting, pep-rally music and everyone would have to high-five everyone else." basically, she just went on like this spewing mindless catch-phrases and terrible ideas for activities while her breakfastmate listened, rapt with awe.

loose ends

-my girlfriend recently stated that her motto ought to be ‘always late but worth the wait’ due to her penchant for tardiness. i can already see fat middle-aged ladies wearing t-shirts with this slogan printed on them at air-shows and wal-marts.

-‘elegant’ and ‘shot glass’ never belong in the same sentence.*

-state-of-the-art bioengineering routinely involves ‘chinese hamster ovaries.’ apparently this is such a common item that it is abbreviated 'CHO' in everyday usage. there is no point to this, i just thought it was funny.

-for the man who has everything. while you’re online frittering away your money and sanity you can look into having your remains compressed into a gemstone by lifegem.com. this would be of particular value if you are interested in continuing to inspire bickering and discord from beyond the grave when one of your family members inevitably loses it. as someone not planning to have a portion of his cremated biological material purified in a high-nitrogen, low-oxygen atmosphere, converted into graphite powder at 3000 °K, combined with coloration chemicals, crushed repeatedly in a diamond press (“the more times in the press, the larger the diamond that results”!), cut, etched with lasers, then “inspected, graded, and identified by world-renowned gemologists” (the same certification process used by the world’s finest jewelers!); the company’s slogan, “love lives on,” certainly seems a little taunting.

“love lives on.”? too bad you won’t. at least not when your great-great-grandniece accidentally drops you into the garbage disposal

*nonetheless, i am curious as to how they organized the rules of this game—despite my best attempts i have never figured out how to make chess a drinking game.

the graduating

come with me for a minute. i want to talk to you. excuse us.

i just want to say one word to you--just one word. are you listening?

plastics.

how do i mean? there is a great future in plastics. think about it. will you think about it?

enough said. that's a deal.

fish, rest thyself

the namesake of this website, my goldfish, who inspired the non-sequitur title through his frequent resillience, has finally passed away. although he may have been a very small pet, he was a constant presence in my life for three years. watching him swim around next to my desk never failed to cheer me up--and merely by being there he managed to give me much more than he was aware of. he intrepidly logged hundreds of miles going back and forth from school, and took most of the sting out the transitory nature of my college existance. over the course of his life, he lived in seven different rooms and bounced back from countless illnesses that would have done in lesser goldfish.

if it is possible for a fish to be enthusiastic, he most definately was; and it was always comforting to see that, pre-frontal cortex or not, there was at least one creature who was always happy to have me around. i certainly felt the same way, and i hope that somehow, he knew it.

well that about settles it

a man shouting that god would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure. (link)

i suppose god only helps those who don't expect him to stop them from doing incredibly stupid things. couldn't this guy have just tried asking god to prove his existance through some non-life threatening method and stopped believing in him when nothing happened, like the rest of us...in kindergarden?

this reminds me of when all those miners were trapped in that collapsed mine last year and a newspaper prematurely printed some headline like 'god answers family's prayers' a day before everyone found out that almost all of them died. the next edition should have printed a retrataction headline: 'god spurns miners, ignores prayers, or doesn't exist.' i guess media fairness is too much to ask.