June 19, 2006

loose ends

-my girlfriend recently stated that her motto ought to be ‘always late but worth the wait’ due to her penchant for tardiness. i can already see fat middle-aged ladies wearing t-shirts with this slogan printed on them at air-shows and wal-marts.

-‘elegant’ and ‘shot glass’ never belong in the same sentence.*

-state-of-the-art bioengineering routinely involves ‘chinese hamster ovaries.’ apparently this is such a common item that it is abbreviated 'CHO' in everyday usage. there is no point to this, i just thought it was funny.

-for the man who has everything. while you’re online frittering away your money and sanity you can look into having your remains compressed into a gemstone by lifegem.com. this would be of particular value if you are interested in continuing to inspire bickering and discord from beyond the grave when one of your family members inevitably loses it. as someone not planning to have a portion of his cremated biological material purified in a high-nitrogen, low-oxygen atmosphere, converted into graphite powder at 3000 °K, combined with coloration chemicals, crushed repeatedly in a diamond press (“the more times in the press, the larger the diamond that results”!), cut, etched with lasers, then “inspected, graded, and identified by world-renowned gemologists” (the same certification process used by the world’s finest jewelers!); the company’s slogan, “love lives on,” certainly seems a little taunting.

“love lives on.”? too bad you won’t. at least not when your great-great-grandniece accidentally drops you into the garbage disposal

*nonetheless, i am curious as to how they organized the rules of this game—despite my best attempts i have never figured out how to make chess a drinking game.