May 16, 2007

I am better than you

I gave blood today, because I love the world and its many peoples. But clandestinely, as a secret admirer does. Or a stalker.

Some of the other grad students and I raced. I got 7 minutes even. They got 11.5 and 11 minutes, so I blew them out of the water. Like a stuck pig! Oink. But guy #3 came in later and managed a 6 minuter, so I slipped down the rankings to 2nd. So it goes. I think I should have been allowed to give more blood than them, because I'm a big guy and I've got more than I need, but the blood bank people didn't want it. Lame. Maybe I'll come back next week and see if I can donate my Chi or "life force," or clean conscience, or bone marrow. It took a while to wait to give blood, that could be better too. I want to swoop in, (already bleeding perhaps), give up a pint, slap on a band-aid, and sprint for the exit. Then wake up an hour later, get some ice for my head, and be done with it. There were some sainted people who seemed to be donating plasma in the corner with some crazy machines. How come they didn't advertise that one? I'd do it. They want me to be magnanimous? I'll shove my magnanimosity down their fucking throats. A priest had taken the afternoon off from molesting little boys to do it, but I think it was a scam -- machines don't need blood, they feed on copper wire and dust (at least the carpet cleaning ones). Maybe the robots are stocking up on blood so that we won't have any when they decide to attack humanity.

I got free juice, cookies, and an inflated sense of moral superiority.

3 comments:

risha said...

No, I am better than you; I spend my Saturday mornings teaching English to AIDS Orphans. How's that for kicking your Lost & Never-to-be-seen-again blood's ass?

(Ryan) said...

Yikes! I was being facetious. The funniest thing about giving blood is that it is pretty much the least active charitable thing you can possibly do. I mean, who can't bleed? But people still manage to be proud of themselves for it. Your orphans definitely win.

risha said...

hahahah..YEY! Victory is sweet(or is that the saying for revenge?).
Anyway, surely something like hosting a fancy soiree at a big fancy house and drinking wine for 'charity' is a less active charitable thing than bleeding? Especially as you ACTUALLY BLEED by choice...(WHY?!?). Think of the trouble your bone marrow will now have to go through!

I'm sure there's some sort of religious teaching about not showing off when you do something good for others right? Does that mean we just lost all our good-doing as we didn't exactly shut up about it? hahahah DAMN IT! I'll never get those weekends back!