January 25, 2007

The job market just got a little smaller

I believe myself to be in possession of perhaps the worst resume in existence. Not the actual job experience part, the writing part. In that the writing is equivalent to disjointed, insane, rambling. I think about 70% of the sentences are fragments and all of them are trying to convey some sort of grandiose, megamaniacal thought that has no place in a CV. This guy is a friend twice-removed and is well-known for being an extremely verbose and strongly-opinioned pseudo-intellectual with a high school education and a passion for philosophy. He went to South America and had a spiritual experience while on mushrooms. He also has some kind of Farakhan-esque racist philosophy and is planning a trip through the downtrodden, unscenic regions of Eastern Africa, the Middle East and the Asian subcontinent with the money he has saved through his stereo sales career. I think we can expect to see him, bearded and dirty, handing out a poorly-xeroxed socialist newsletter in downtown New Bedford in about ten years. Without further explanation, here is its precursor.

Chris W------
Dartmouth Ma 02745

Fore Note
Before the list of material accomplishments, I suppose the psychic and character compositional may suffice more truly, though verifiable by observation alone. Rather the experience of a man is composed of such, and from such springs his ability, but a blueprint are the achievements of his work, the substance composed of, is his character.

To enhance the literary prowess of an adored industry and make industrious audiophiles. To transcend technical detail in favor of emotionally immediate information.
To enwrap in eloquence, simulating the poetic expression of sounds soul, to hear speakers songs, and tube amp whispers and transmit such linguistically.
To raise a new generation of audiophiles, addicted spirits to luxurious listening, like the luscious sweets of wine.
Replication of listening, reenacted in words, behind the mind the same play unfolds, magazines get sold.
Self supporting markets stimulate addiction, constant bombardment with stimulus, emotionally drawn, elongates the souls longing for soothing, let music be the opiate.
Let equipment be the means.
Let a new light shine, where an old sun smoldered, and re-ignite romances long past, born of broken dreams, molded and loaded into fancy once more, finances shall pour.

Veteran of sales, experienced in the dynamics of emotional manipulation, so as to induce a musical fever, expressed through equipment.
Contagious in the flu of enthusiasm, few escape such honesty.
Well studied in logistics, an avid student of reason and philosophy, economics and sociology, transmitted in logical planning and intuitive foresight. A compass for a customer.
Economically inclined, and thoroughly well thought, advantages rarely slip by in a well constructed equation of logistics.
Ambitious toward perfection, perfectionist undoubtedly, suppressed only when absolutely necessary, when reason permits.
Traveler of three continents, boarding on four and five in the future unfolding.
The culture of which well drunk, an understanding of peoples perspective well lavished, as valuable in a global marketplace, and in a pot of melting butter.
Prolific in output, philosophical in approach, only writers block may ebb flow, such drought has passed of late and well watered springs spool endless work, and blocks but induct nourishment, production trudges on. Reliability is my specialty.
Sense of loyalty imbedded in deep bone, provided well treatment nourishes.
Well understood of the emotional bridge of connectivity, linking man and man, and of what modifications or inspirational incentives are required to make its trench passable.

Largely self taught by the teachers of eternity, paradigm acquisition from philosophers long past, and educators for whom the term education, was wrought.
Poets and generals, but thinkers and philosophers, antiquated and cerebral, eloquent in word and chiasmic in depth.
And lastly the meager completion of High School, and a few courses of College engineering. Quite abstracted from the spirit of audiophilia, and the concoction of auditory nirvana.

References furnished graciously upon request

Cold Facts:
Job Experience

Four years sales for -------, home theater system construction and installation
Three years sales and consultation for ----------, high end stereo importing and distributing
Two consecutive summers bathed in sun, with eyes water locked and governing imposition as a beach lifeguard
One year pool vigilant as a YMCA lifeguard
There isn't much to say about this. The character in question actually seems to be a nice enough guy (I believe he has referred to me as the "tall mathematical fellow," who wouldn't like that?), and I don't mean him any disrespect...but that doesn't mean his resume isn't hilarious.