January 2, 2006

glass onions

two unusual events in or around my recent life have involved mysterious windfalls.
first, my friend’s dad came upon a generous quantity of extra large onions sitting in the middle of the street. it may be the first time the phrase ‘they fell off the back of a truck’ has been used in complete honesty. he brought them home and his wife has since been engaged in a vigorous campaign to distribute them among the population. i got some, my parents got some, and the soup kitchen got some probably. they were given out as joke christmas gifts (resulting in real disappointment). the downside of all this, of course, is that the onions are being used in a primary role in our dishes, due to their abundance. long relegated (with good reason) to sidekick-status in the food world, these vegetables are now being asked to take the lead, a task they just aren’t up for. recent omelets have contained an obscene 1:1 egg to onion ratio. if that isn’t what's wrong with america nowadays, what is?
more fortuitously, my friends and i stumbled upon 4 cases of harpoon beer in a recycling center last week--inexplicably buried under a pile of bottles. our theory as to how they got there involves, like any decent drunken theory, a good deal of uninformed conjecture about the law. we found some broken bottles in one of the cases, probably forcing a store to throw them out since cases containing broken bottles can’t be sold. nor can boxes that have been opened (or so we supposed). the people who wrote these laws must not have had any problems with the paradox there, and we certainly didn’t either.