April 6, 2005

fists of courtesy

people simply don't know how to conduct themselves in crowds. every day when i go to the dining hall, or walk out of a crowded classroom there are countless individuals blocking my progress needlessly, conducting inane conversations loudly and generally carrying on in a manner appropriate only for toddlers. when in public, you don't simply cease walking with a bunch of people behind you, or camp out in front of a doorway to have a conversation. and yet, no amount of shoving and mumbling to myself will convince the acerebral herds. thus i have devised a solution: vesting a certain number of conscientious students with the power to enforce these social courtesies -- through punching. they'll be given some kind of unique identifier, such as a bright orange hat, credentials from the student government and the license to "correct" the misdeeds of those frustrating morons who saunter slowly in front of people with somewhere to go and strike up a chat with someone 30 feet in the distance. and to make sure that the enforcers don't go mad with power, they'll only have their authority for 2 weeks, then never again. it's a perfect plan. individuals who don't know how to walk around crowded public places are sociopaths who understand nothing but physical punishment. this is the only way of fixing the problem. i wish i could punch them myself, but i would be secure enough in the knowledge that someone out there is punching them for me.