the caustic collegian

i don't have a lot in common with most of my friends in school aside from a decent sense of humor. most of them seem to be into a bunch of dumb crap like harry potter, jesus, and economics. (funny, you'd think at least two of those things would be in opposition...). anyway, i recently realized just how much abuse i lay down on them for this and how few people would keep coming back for it. i think they must secretly know i'm right. in any case their resilience is commendable. here's a trifecta of good (and pretty offensive) haranguings:

"yeah, it was great; me and the rest of the young republicans got to march in the parade for his campaign stop."

"wow that must have been impressive. all you virgins goose-stepping along together like that..."

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"harry potter is for illiterate fucking 5th graders. you all suck so much right now."

[then in response to an attack on my sense of 'imagination' and 'fancy']

"if you want to talk about imagination how about the author of those insufferable screeds ripping off every single fantasy story ever written and amalgamating them into inoffensive goo designed to make billions of dollars from conformist clods who don't have enough individuality to look past the best-seller list. that's pretty fancy if you ask me."

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[me at one of those lame free-food and discussion type-things. topic: church & state]

"public references to religion should be prohibited. they poison rational thinking and stupidify the masses. religious people should be isolated from society and studied for their nutritional value."

[horrified gasps, stifled laughter]

"amen."