SkyMall II

I'd love to be a fly on the wall at a SkyMall board meeting. "OK, so I've got an idea for how we can justify charging $80 for a TV remote holster..."

Who knows why they think the most receptive crowd for their overpriced lawn furniture and non-existent-problem solutions are cranky travelers, but they're always coming out with new products so there must be something to it.

Nuclear Globe, $274.99

Welcome to a brave new world of water fun! Step into your private 6-foot inflatable sphere and spin your way across the water. Purchase two globes and stage a "nuclear face-off" as you bump and bounce off your opponent. Inset cups on the outer surface function as paddles as you maneuver within the globe. (Weight limit 170 lbs.)

Purchase our death ball now and you'll also receive half off on our SkyMall-brand talking LED tombstone! Seriously though, is there anything I want to do more than purchase two of these to stage a 'nuclear face off'? Cool off with poorly-formed Cold War references!

Motorized Snack Float, $49.99

Radio controlled snack float brings food and drinks to you!

No need to paddle around or get out of the water for a cold drink or snack -- make 'em come to you! Motorized tip-proof float operates by remote control -- just press a button and it zips right to you. Great for parties.

Holds 5 cans and a snack bowl.
Requires 6 D batteries (not included).

This could be the standard-bearer for the SkyMall franchise. Do you think you could use it in combination with the Nuclear Globe™?

Personalized Branding Iron, $89.95-99.95

This is exactly what it looks like. Impress you friends! With your initials in meat!

Charger Valet, $75.00
This handsome wood cabinet charges them as it conceals their power adapters. Keeps all your devices charged and ready for action -- and eliminates cable clutter. Includes six-outlet internal power strip and straps for cable management.

The charger valet is notable for its price. It doesn't seem like a useless thing, and I can imagine that it must be convenient if you really are finding yourself frequently tangled in cords, and yet, there are so many better ways of dealing with this. Like just being better organized. Furthermore, I can't imagine the the person who has fortune enough to blow $75 on completely irrelevant items, yet also finds themself overwhelmed by plugs.

Slate Magazine now ripping me off

Two days ago I wrote about some of Airline catalog SkyMall's finer products. Today, Slate's Ron Rosenbaum pens an article pointing out many of the same absurdities. Coincidence? I think not.

Of course, his piece contains a bunch of nonsense about how the existential anxiety of flying leads to the catalog's obsession with fancy watches. Not to mention a gratuitously dumb reference to event horizons and a weird connection between chicken wings and American imperium. As usual, in the process of stealing from me, Slate has watered-down what I wrote and stuck in a bunch of moronic platitudes.

SkyMall

I've been perusing the SkyMall catalog online.

A reason that I don't specifically recall made me think of it recently (maybe I spied a magnetic eraser caddy somewhere) and I decided I had to check whether the catalog has a non-airborne website. Amazingly, it does, despite the obvious disadvantage they face when pawning their useless products to a group of people who are neither captive, desperately lacking reading material, terrified of flying, or oxygen-deprived. Needless to say the website is just full of splendor as what you've seen on flights.

I don't think we can say that these items are overpriced per se because no one else bothers to try selling electronic salt & pepper shakers to rich half-wits. Only SkyMall understands the untapped potential of the remarkable type of person who would willingly buy such a thing. I cannot imagine what their board meetings are like. Nothing is too ridiculous, too expensive, too pointless! Everything is approved!

Here are some such selected products, and please keep in mind that I was not particularly discriminant in selecting them. There is just so much there, it would not be hard to make a blog out of just these...

Inflatable Movie Screen
$249.99

Bring the magic of the big screen to your backyard!
120" -diagonal Airblown Inflatable Movie Screen is perfect for family movie nights and block parties, because everyone in the party can see it all on this big screen out in your backyard! Screen can be set up and inflated in minutes, and includes everything you need: two UL-listed inflating blowers, stakes, tethers, even a storage bag.

Toothbrush Sterilizer
$79.95

Did you know that you can get sick from your own toothbrush? It's true. When you have a cold or flu, your germs continue to live in the wet bristles even after you've recovered. Now you can sterilize your toothbrush daily - before, during and after any bout with a cold or flu. The OralTec sterilizes toothbrushes quickly, easily and safely using plain tap water to kill the germs and bacteria that cause colds, flu and a multitude of other infections. In just minutes the water poured into the chambers is heated to sterilizing temperature of up to 212 degrees F. You will be promoting good oral hygiene for your entire family by sterilizing your toothbrushes every time you brush. A must for every healthy home!

Scientific veracity: extremely questionable. Germs may live on for a short time in your toothbrush, but by the time you get better, you have already built up antibodies to them. It seems more likely that regularly boiling a plastic brush and bristles and then putting it in your mouth would have largely negative health effects. Then again, for $80 it must be really important.

Garage Door Threshold
$44.99 - $89.99

Pretty self-explanatory -- weather stripping for your garage. For those of us who live in our garages, or at least have a strong compulsion to make the car-hold airtight, a godsend. What kind of person doesn't go to the hardware store for this kind of thing? Oh right, the kind of person who would buy anything from The SkyMall.

See, that is the best thing about this catalog: it constantly begs the question "who is buying this stuff?" Not just rich people, not just idiots, a special combination of the two. Folks who somehow have enough money to throw it away on pointless garbage, and yet, somehow still have money. I have no understanding of this cross-over demographic. It reminds me of the Seinfeld bit about a warning on a Superman costume that says the cape cannot actually make you fly. Who can read but not figure out that dressing up as a superhero doesn't allow you to fly? Or, more appropriate to this blog, warnings that come on high-end telescopes to not look at the sun. I cannot imagine a person smart enough to balance their checkbook, but dumb enough to think they need a $200 device to monitor the temperature in the basement. Who are these people?